Happy Angelversary!

This is a bittersweet day for us. Its daddy's birthday but its also the day that the two of you grew wings and became angels. I'm trying not to be too sad today because I know that if what happened last year didn't happen, you girls wouldn't have given us our rainbow baby, Lilyana. But at the same time, mommy and daddy miss you and the memories that we thought we would have with you terribly. So I hope your Aunt Grace blew up some balloons for you two so that you can party with the best of them and that she holds you tight until mommy and daddy can be there to hold you too. We love you and thank you for sending us Lily, our Rainbow after the storm. Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Waiting for my rainbow...March 2011 ♥

2010

2010 was a tough year for us. If someone were to look at our life in the past year and describe it to you, they would probably say that it was tragic and sad. In 2009, we were given the gift of twins and in 2010 the same gift that had given us so much joy was tragically taken away from us. Every milestone and holiday was a difficult one because we had in visioned 2 little girls joining us in the journey of life. It was a hard year for us, and even though it was tragic and sad, it was also a beautiful year. In 2010,

• we delivered 2 beautiful angels who will forever live in our hearts and many other peoples hearts and who have changed our lives forever.
  
• we celebrated life.
• we realized that we will never take the miracle of life for granted.
• we realized how badly we wanted to be parents.
• we realized how strongly bonded as a couple we are.
• we realized how much support we have from family and friends.
• we realized how much we are are loved.

In 2010, I have learned how everything happens for a reason. Dave and I have grown closer as a couple than I ever thought possible. Don't get me wrong, we still have our ups and downs as every couple has, but I know he will always be there for me, to support me through it all. I don't know if I would have known that without this year. I feel like we are grown ups now. That this year, 2010, was the year that made us realize the importance of family, friends and life. Before this year, we were just playing house, pretending we were grown ups, going through the motions. After this year, I know, because of our loss, that we are actually grown ups because we know the importance life, friends and families and the importance of holidays and traditions. I don't know where we would be without this year, but I am very happy to say goodbye to it.

So on to 2011. A year that will bring a new journey in our lives. Who knows what it will bring because nothing in life is definite.

Merry Christmas Angels

Maddy and Liv,

Merry Christmas Angels. Mommy and Daddy and all our friends and families wish you were here to celebrate with us. Last night was very hard for mommy because Daddy's family has a huge Christmas Eve Party with all the family and I wished you could be there to celebrate with us. Today may be hard for mommy and daddy too but we are doing our best. Last year, everyone said that this Christmas would be so different for us. It really is because it made us appreciate children and the joy of Christmas. We love you. I'm sure Santa leaves great gifts for Angels like you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Madelyn and Olivia,

I haven't written in awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't think of you everyday. Things have been crazy lately. Aunt Elaine is getting married this weekend and I had a dream about it. In my dream, Daddy was walking down the aisle at the entrance of the wedding and he was carrying you girls in the most beautiful white dresses. It made me so sad at first, but then someone made me realize that you came to me in my dream not to make me sad but to show me that you girls would be watching over us on Aunt Elaine's special day. I wish you could be here to experience it though. When Aunt Elaine was planning her wedding at the beginning of the year, we had so many plans for the two of you and what you would be wearing and how cute you would look and now her wedding day is here and you are not. I know that you will be there in spirit though, with your Aunt Grace.

Daddy and I are pregnant again. We are going to have your baby sister next year. We also just found out that your Aunt Jen is pregnant too with a baby boy! We can't be happier for your Aunt Jen and Uncle Matt. They have been waiting a long time for another baby. I'm glad that your baby sister will have a baby cousin to play with, just like you girls have each other to play with forever.

Daddy and I love you lots and miss you everyday. Be good baby girls.

Love,
Mommy

I miss you Madelyn and Olivia!!

6 months

6 months ago...

6 months ago today, my life changed forever.
6 months ago today, I was given the worst news I've ever heard.
6 months ago today, I thought I had failed as a mother.
6 months ago today, I thought I was never going to be a mother.
6 months ago today, I thought I wanted to die.
6 months ago today, my babies were dead.
6 months ago today, at this time, I was just starting to go into an induced labor to deliver our baby girls.
6 months ago tomorrow, I did what I thought was impossible.
6 months ago tomorrow, I did the hardest thing I've ever done.
6 months ago tomorrow, I met the two most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
6 months ago tomorrow, they flew to heaven.

But today, today I will never forget...
and tomorrow, I will always remember.

I love you Madelyn and Olivia.

I miss my girls more and more everyday. I came across this poem the other day and it made me think of them.

Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies."
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think he is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't your cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Author~Claudette T. Allen