Merry Christmas Angels

Maddy and Liv,

Merry Christmas Angels. Mommy and Daddy and all our friends and families wish you were here to celebrate with us. Last night was very hard for mommy because Daddy's family has a huge Christmas Eve Party with all the family and I wished you could be there to celebrate with us. Today may be hard for mommy and daddy too but we are doing our best. Last year, everyone said that this Christmas would be so different for us. It really is because it made us appreciate children and the joy of Christmas. We love you. I'm sure Santa leaves great gifts for Angels like you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Madelyn and Olivia,

I haven't written in awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't think of you everyday. Things have been crazy lately. Aunt Elaine is getting married this weekend and I had a dream about it. In my dream, Daddy was walking down the aisle at the entrance of the wedding and he was carrying you girls in the most beautiful white dresses. It made me so sad at first, but then someone made me realize that you came to me in my dream not to make me sad but to show me that you girls would be watching over us on Aunt Elaine's special day. I wish you could be here to experience it though. When Aunt Elaine was planning her wedding at the beginning of the year, we had so many plans for the two of you and what you would be wearing and how cute you would look and now her wedding day is here and you are not. I know that you will be there in spirit though, with your Aunt Grace.

Daddy and I are pregnant again. We are going to have your baby sister next year. We also just found out that your Aunt Jen is pregnant too with a baby boy! We can't be happier for your Aunt Jen and Uncle Matt. They have been waiting a long time for another baby. I'm glad that your baby sister will have a baby cousin to play with, just like you girls have each other to play with forever.

Daddy and I love you lots and miss you everyday. Be good baby girls.

Love,
Mommy

I miss you Madelyn and Olivia!!

6 months

6 months ago...

6 months ago today, my life changed forever.
6 months ago today, I was given the worst news I've ever heard.
6 months ago today, I thought I had failed as a mother.
6 months ago today, I thought I was never going to be a mother.
6 months ago today, I thought I wanted to die.
6 months ago today, my babies were dead.
6 months ago today, at this time, I was just starting to go into an induced labor to deliver our baby girls.
6 months ago tomorrow, I did what I thought was impossible.
6 months ago tomorrow, I did the hardest thing I've ever done.
6 months ago tomorrow, I met the two most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
6 months ago tomorrow, they flew to heaven.

But today, today I will never forget...
and tomorrow, I will always remember.

I love you Madelyn and Olivia.

I miss my girls more and more everyday. I came across this poem the other day and it made me think of them.

Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies."
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think he is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't your cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Author~Claudette T. Allen

I would die for that

This experience has made me realize how badly we want to be parents. I feel like something is missing in our lives. Even though we have a niece and nephews and other children in our life and that we love dearly, there is still a void. Something is missing. I am jealous of all mothers out there who can hold their babies and care for them and love them. All I want is to hold a miracle once again. This song is what I feel. I would give anything to be able to hold babies that my husband and I created.

Pictures

I've been thinking about posting pictures of the girls for awhile now but haven't gotten myself to do it. Like all new parents, I wanted to show the world my beautiful baby girls but I know that they are not the normal newborn pictures so I didn't. Some may think they are gruesome and horrid, but to us, they are beautiful butterflies that fluttered in our lives for just a short time. So don't scroll down or read any further if you are going to get offended in anyway. But, please understand that I am a mom and I wanted to share pictures of my girls like any other mom.