I feel like I'm drowning myself in my tears. This week has been horrible and I haven't even gotten to the weekend yet. This weekend, April 25th is the babies' due date. I want to fast forward and not have to deal with it. I want to lay in bed all weekend and do nothing. But thats unhealthy and nobody that is around me will let me do that. So I suppose I will go visit the girls and bring them some flowers. Someday in the near future, I have to breakdown and find them a memorial stone. I never thought to call it a memorial stone, it sounds much better that way.
So I'm trying with all my might to crawl out of this mud puddle I'm in and I feel like my tears are making me sink deeper and deeper. This was supposed to get easier and its getting harder for me. The other day at work, my coworker told me I should just go home because I couldn't get a hold of myself. I couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried like that since the weeks after everything happened.
I think its finally sinking in. That this weekend is the due date and they aren't gonna magically be here. That this year is going to be hard. That mothers day is next month and I wont get to celebrate with my baby girls in my arms. That this summer, our girls wont be on Ocean City on our family vacation with us. The vacation that I imagined with my girls will not be what I imagined. That Christmas isnt going to be how I imagined it would be.
I want to scream and cry and yell about how unfair my life is. Why did this happen to us?? I am so lost. Please god, help me find me.
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well....i'm crying too! and i don't think anyone around you will let you lay in bed all weekend either! i think you are going to have to make friends with the mud puddle and accept that you are sad, too....and not expect that you will magically step out of grief. it will creep up on you in the strangest places at the strangest time. you have found yourself, Jen. You will be you again because you are you. maybe you can plant something tomorrow that will come back year after year or a tree that will grow year after year. it is good to see that growing...i know as i have done it. hugs to you and i'll be thinking about you tomorrow and the girls.
ReplyDeleteyou need to do what you feel you need to. cry if you have, be mad if you have to, take a day to yourself if you need to. don't let anyone tell you that its not ok to go through the emotions. that coworker has no idea!! its going to be a long journey jen, but you are a strong women and you will get through this. yrs later, i still want to just hide away when these dates come around. i cry, i get angry at everyone and every thing again. i know i have accepted what happened, but it still sucks when these special days roll around. its like reliving it all over again. but it does hurt a little less and i cry a little less, and before long i jump back into life again and keep pushing forward. thank you for sharing all your thoughts jen, and keep reaching out when you need it. {{hugs}}
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