Cheated

I feel like I was cheated out of something. Teased. Something was tangled in my reach and I can't picture my life without it and now I can't have it. I pictured my life in the future. Taking walks when I was on maternity leave on sunny days with my babies in their awesome stroller, going shopping for baby stuff with my mom when I was on maternity leave. I didn't picture trying to find things to do to keep me busy and to keep my mind off things during maternity leave.

Yesterday, I had a breakdown at Dave's parents house. I don't know why it happened. It just did. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I thought about how awesome it would have been if the girls were to experience the Stevens family craziness. The kids were running around and playing together and I just lost it. My girls will never get to experience this and I got sad. more selfishly, I would never get to see my daughters running around and playing. I want to hold them again so badly. I would give anything right now to hold my babies alive for just a few minutes.

On vacation, I was looking at my pictures on my camera and I had purposely saved two pictures on there after clearing them all before taking them on vacation. I wanted to bring them with me and I was also afraid that I would forget what they looked like. I had 30 years to remember my sister when she passed but I only had 1 short day to remember what my daughters looked like. Well, while I was looking at the pictures, I lost it. I missed them so much. I want so badly to have them back in my belly and feeling them kick. I keep hoping and hoping that this is all a bad dream...its just not fair...

I want to be pregnant again instantaneously. I don't want to have to work at it and it might not work. I want it to be now. Since I got cheated out of this one, do you think god can do that for me?