Lost

I feel lost. I feel like I am walking through life and going through the motions but I'm not really there. I am empty inside.

All I want is to be pregnant again. To feel life growing inside me. Yet, being pregnant again scares the daylights out of me. Dave and I both love kids. We've been talking about getting pregnant again, but I don't know when we will be ready, ready to grow an attachment to something that may not be permanent.

Is getting pregnant with twins again too much to ask? Dave and I conceived twins naturally, they were identical. I think they only way I will ever feel whole again is to be pregnant with twins again. I was terrified when we found out we were pregnant with twins. I was nervous about the challenges of being able to provide and care for 2 children at the same time, but then the idea grew on me. As Madelyn and Olivia grew inside me, I grew attached to them, feeling them kick and move. I grew confident that I could care for two at once. I awaited the challenge of caring for my baby girls when they were born. Now that that experience has been taken away from me, I crave to be able to take care of 2 babies at the same time. I want the challenge. I think thats the only way I can heal. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently, it is. I've been researching and reading online about back to back identical twin pregnancies and its very rare. So I may never have twins again. Will I feel this empty forever?