Acceptance

I never realized that when I don't post, people get worried and wonder what is going on with me. So here is a post that I've been thinking about for awhile.

For the past few weeks, I've accepted what has been given to me, two beautiful angels in heaven that have changed my life. I've accepted the fact that I was pregnant once and gave birth to 2 beautiful girls that I am never going to see again in this lifetime. And I'm not moving on because they have forever changed me and who I am, but I am living life to the fullest because you never know how long your life will be. For my girls it was just a few moments in the womb that I had created for them and during those brief moments, they touched not only me and my husband, but our entire close knit family and friends. Without these people, I would be lost. Through my friends, I have another network of friends that have embraced me into this club that no one wants to belong. They have walked in my shoes and on the bad days they carry me through. They check in on me to make sure I'm walking proudly in these shoes that I don't want to be wearing. They reassure me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that they survived it. So I am hopeful. Hopeful for the future and what it holds. Hopeful for a house full of children and laughter. But, I will never forget and I will never get over my two beautiful angels that have a special place in my heart. They have touched me...Have you ever been touched by an angel....or two?? I am truly blessed. I dedicate this one to you, maddy and liv.

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so
much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


Author unknown

A Letter to our Baby Girls

Madelyn and Olivia,

As tomorrow approaches, we want you to know that we love you with all of our hearts and we will never understand what happened. But what we do know is that god gave us the gift of you two for some reason, maybe to appreciate being parents in the future or to bring us closer together and show how wonderful we would be as parents. I see your Daddy play with Andrew, Dillon, Timmy and Julia and it breaks my heart because he is so good with them, but it shows me how great he would have been with the two of you. It broke my heart the other day when we were at a Mets game this year. We weren't going to go to any this year because it would have been too hard to go with two newborns to a huge stadium. But I know daddy imagined watching the Mets play on tv with the two of you in his arms and it breaks my heart that he can't have that. But we hold you tightly in our hearts forever.

At the most unusual times and the most unexpected places, my eyes sting and my throat gets tight and I know that the only thing I want is the two of you in my arms.

So, dance my loves, with your aunt grace and with each other. Be free to be whatever you want to be, but come visit your mommy and daddy every once in awhile. We will love you both forever and always, Maddy and Liv. But for now, your aunt grace and great grandmas and great grandpas are gonna hold you tight and someday, mommy and daddy will come dance with you and hold you tight forever again.

Love always,
Mommy and Daddy

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning myself in my tears. This week has been horrible and I haven't even gotten to the weekend yet. This weekend, April 25th is the babies' due date. I want to fast forward and not have to deal with it. I want to lay in bed all weekend and do nothing. But thats unhealthy and nobody that is around me will let me do that. So I suppose I will go visit the girls and bring them some flowers. Someday in the near future, I have to breakdown and find them a memorial stone. I never thought to call it a memorial stone, it sounds much better that way.

So I'm trying with all my might to crawl out of this mud puddle I'm in and I feel like my tears are making me sink deeper and deeper. This was supposed to get easier and its getting harder for me. The other day at work, my coworker told me I should just go home because I couldn't get a hold of myself. I couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried like that since the weeks after everything happened.

I think its finally sinking in. That this weekend is the due date and they aren't gonna magically be here. That this year is going to be hard. That mothers day is next month and I wont get to celebrate with my baby girls in my arms. That this summer, our girls wont be on Ocean City on our family vacation with us. The vacation that I imagined with my girls will not be what I imagined. That Christmas isnt going to be how I imagined it would be.

I want to scream and cry and yell about how unfair my life is. Why did this happen to us?? I am so lost. Please god, help me find me.

Tribute

2 Months

I really can't believe that today its been 8 weeks since I met my daughters and said goodbye to them. I can't believe how abnormal I feel in my own skin these days. I forget things that I never usually would forget. My mind is elsewhere. My mind wanders all day, thinking about the girls and wondering what life would be like with them here. But I've learned a lot of things in the past 8 weeks, about myself, my husband, life in general, and the people surrounding me.

Life is not fair.
People sometimes don't understand how hard this is.
People sometimes don't know what to say and its better when they don't say anything at all.
There are some great people in our lives that are really supportive.
Sometimes life makes you grow up way too fast, even if you don't want to.
I am forever changed by this experience.

And even though I know how scary being pregnant again will be, I know how badly we want to be parents. I know how great a father my husband will be. I see him with his niece and nephews and it breaks my heart. Not in a bad way. But a great way. He is wonderful with them. And one day, we will have more children, not just Madelyn and Olivia, our angels in heaven.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the future.
Tomorrow is the beginning of new things.
Tomorrow is full of miracles.
Tomorrow is scary.
Tomorrow is exciting.
Tomorrow my girls will be watching over us.
Tomorrow means going on but never forgetting.