Tomorrow is the future.
Tomorrow is the beginning of new things.
Tomorrow is full of miracles.
Tomorrow is scary.
Tomorrow is exciting.
Tomorrow my girls will be watching over us.
Tomorrow means going on but never forgetting.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Truly Blessed
We have just suffered a loss that no one should ever ever go through. No one is ever supposed to bury their own children. Babies are not supposed to die.
Yet through this, we have learned what great family and friends we have. We can never express how thankful we are to have such wonderful people surrounding us. Dave and I are truly blessed.
Even though I may not respond to all the messages on facebook that I am getting or cards that we are still getting in the mail, know that we are truly thankful. We just don't know what to say. We are overwhelmed by the love people are showing. There are no words to ever thank people enough for what they have done and keep doing.
I don't know how long it will take us to finish grieving, but I am grateful to know that people are always there to talk to or just be there. And even though we don't know what to say when people send cards or do things for us, know that we are thankful and grateful and we can never repay the debt. We are truly blessed.
Yet through this, we have learned what great family and friends we have. We can never express how thankful we are to have such wonderful people surrounding us. Dave and I are truly blessed.
Even though I may not respond to all the messages on facebook that I am getting or cards that we are still getting in the mail, know that we are truly thankful. We just don't know what to say. We are overwhelmed by the love people are showing. There are no words to ever thank people enough for what they have done and keep doing.
I don't know how long it will take us to finish grieving, but I am grateful to know that people are always there to talk to or just be there. And even though we don't know what to say when people send cards or do things for us, know that we are thankful and grateful and we can never repay the debt. We are truly blessed.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
wishes and hopes
I wish the girls were here so that I could play with them outside in this beautiful weather.
I hope that dave and I could be happy again.
I wish that life wasn't so hard sometimes.
I hope that I can have more children someday.
I wish that things were different.
I hope the girls know how much we love them and miss them.
I hope that dave and I could be happy again.
I wish that life wasn't so hard sometimes.
I hope that I can have more children someday.
I wish that things were different.
I hope the girls know how much we love them and miss them.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Lost
I feel lost. I feel like I am walking through life and going through the motions but I'm not really there. I am empty inside.
All I want is to be pregnant again. To feel life growing inside me. Yet, being pregnant again scares the daylights out of me. Dave and I both love kids. We've been talking about getting pregnant again, but I don't know when we will be ready, ready to grow an attachment to something that may not be permanent.
Is getting pregnant with twins again too much to ask? Dave and I conceived twins naturally, they were identical. I think they only way I will ever feel whole again is to be pregnant with twins again. I was terrified when we found out we were pregnant with twins. I was nervous about the challenges of being able to provide and care for 2 children at the same time, but then the idea grew on me. As Madelyn and Olivia grew inside me, I grew attached to them, feeling them kick and move. I grew confident that I could care for two at once. I awaited the challenge of caring for my baby girls when they were born. Now that that experience has been taken away from me, I crave to be able to take care of 2 babies at the same time. I want the challenge. I think thats the only way I can heal. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently, it is. I've been researching and reading online about back to back identical twin pregnancies and its very rare. So I may never have twins again. Will I feel this empty forever?
All I want is to be pregnant again. To feel life growing inside me. Yet, being pregnant again scares the daylights out of me. Dave and I both love kids. We've been talking about getting pregnant again, but I don't know when we will be ready, ready to grow an attachment to something that may not be permanent.
Is getting pregnant with twins again too much to ask? Dave and I conceived twins naturally, they were identical. I think they only way I will ever feel whole again is to be pregnant with twins again. I was terrified when we found out we were pregnant with twins. I was nervous about the challenges of being able to provide and care for 2 children at the same time, but then the idea grew on me. As Madelyn and Olivia grew inside me, I grew attached to them, feeling them kick and move. I grew confident that I could care for two at once. I awaited the challenge of caring for my baby girls when they were born. Now that that experience has been taken away from me, I crave to be able to take care of 2 babies at the same time. I want the challenge. I think thats the only way I can heal. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently, it is. I've been researching and reading online about back to back identical twin pregnancies and its very rare. So I may never have twins again. Will I feel this empty forever?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Heartbroken....
Not a day passes that I don't think about the girls. About how this year was going to be so different. About how this christmas and all the other holidays this year would be different. About how we would be celebrating mothers day and fathers day for the first time this year. I want so badly for things to be different. For things to be how they were 2 months ago, when I was truly happy.
I remember when dave and I went to my company christmas party and he requested our wedding song be played because it was the weekend of our 1 year anniversary. I remember how happy he was after we got done dancing because he announced to my co workers that he had just danced with his babies for the first time. That breaks my heart...
My heart is broken into a million pieces and the only thing I want are my babies to put it back together. Not just any babies. My baby girls, Madelyn and Olivia. I want to hold them and watch them grow up. I want to see them smile at me and talk to me and crawl and walk and accomplish things in life. But I can't and that is why my heart is broken.
I am so angry that I will never get to experience these things with my baby girls. I know that in the future I will have more babies, but I want my twin baby girls, Madelyn and Olivia, and that is why I am heartbroken.
I remember when dave and I went to my company christmas party and he requested our wedding song be played because it was the weekend of our 1 year anniversary. I remember how happy he was after we got done dancing because he announced to my co workers that he had just danced with his babies for the first time. That breaks my heart...
My heart is broken into a million pieces and the only thing I want are my babies to put it back together. Not just any babies. My baby girls, Madelyn and Olivia. I want to hold them and watch them grow up. I want to see them smile at me and talk to me and crawl and walk and accomplish things in life. But I can't and that is why my heart is broken.
I am so angry that I will never get to experience these things with my baby girls. I know that in the future I will have more babies, but I want my twin baby girls, Madelyn and Olivia, and that is why I am heartbroken.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Cheated
I feel like I was cheated out of something. Teased. Something was tangled in my reach and I can't picture my life without it and now I can't have it. I pictured my life in the future. Taking walks when I was on maternity leave on sunny days with my babies in their awesome stroller, going shopping for baby stuff with my mom when I was on maternity leave. I didn't picture trying to find things to do to keep me busy and to keep my mind off things during maternity leave.
Yesterday, I had a breakdown at Dave's parents house. I don't know why it happened. It just did. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I thought about how awesome it would have been if the girls were to experience the Stevens family craziness. The kids were running around and playing together and I just lost it. My girls will never get to experience this and I got sad. more selfishly, I would never get to see my daughters running around and playing. I want to hold them again so badly. I would give anything right now to hold my babies alive for just a few minutes.
On vacation, I was looking at my pictures on my camera and I had purposely saved two pictures on there after clearing them all before taking them on vacation. I wanted to bring them with me and I was also afraid that I would forget what they looked like. I had 30 years to remember my sister when she passed but I only had 1 short day to remember what my daughters looked like. Well, while I was looking at the pictures, I lost it. I missed them so much. I want so badly to have them back in my belly and feeling them kick. I keep hoping and hoping that this is all a bad dream...its just not fair...
I want to be pregnant again instantaneously. I don't want to have to work at it and it might not work. I want it to be now. Since I got cheated out of this one, do you think god can do that for me?
Yesterday, I had a breakdown at Dave's parents house. I don't know why it happened. It just did. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I thought about how awesome it would have been if the girls were to experience the Stevens family craziness. The kids were running around and playing together and I just lost it. My girls will never get to experience this and I got sad. more selfishly, I would never get to see my daughters running around and playing. I want to hold them again so badly. I would give anything right now to hold my babies alive for just a few minutes.
On vacation, I was looking at my pictures on my camera and I had purposely saved two pictures on there after clearing them all before taking them on vacation. I wanted to bring them with me and I was also afraid that I would forget what they looked like. I had 30 years to remember my sister when she passed but I only had 1 short day to remember what my daughters looked like. Well, while I was looking at the pictures, I lost it. I missed them so much. I want so badly to have them back in my belly and feeling them kick. I keep hoping and hoping that this is all a bad dream...its just not fair...
I want to be pregnant again instantaneously. I don't want to have to work at it and it might not work. I want it to be now. Since I got cheated out of this one, do you think god can do that for me?
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