2010

2010 was a tough year for us. If someone were to look at our life in the past year and describe it to you, they would probably say that it was tragic and sad. In 2009, we were given the gift of twins and in 2010 the same gift that had given us so much joy was tragically taken away from us. Every milestone and holiday was a difficult one because we had in visioned 2 little girls joining us in the journey of life. It was a hard year for us, and even though it was tragic and sad, it was also a beautiful year. In 2010,

• we delivered 2 beautiful angels who will forever live in our hearts and many other peoples hearts and who have changed our lives forever.
  
• we celebrated life.
• we realized that we will never take the miracle of life for granted.
• we realized how badly we wanted to be parents.
• we realized how strongly bonded as a couple we are.
• we realized how much support we have from family and friends.
• we realized how much we are are loved.

In 2010, I have learned how everything happens for a reason. Dave and I have grown closer as a couple than I ever thought possible. Don't get me wrong, we still have our ups and downs as every couple has, but I know he will always be there for me, to support me through it all. I don't know if I would have known that without this year. I feel like we are grown ups now. That this year, 2010, was the year that made us realize the importance of family, friends and life. Before this year, we were just playing house, pretending we were grown ups, going through the motions. After this year, I know, because of our loss, that we are actually grown ups because we know the importance life, friends and families and the importance of holidays and traditions. I don't know where we would be without this year, but I am very happy to say goodbye to it.

So on to 2011. A year that will bring a new journey in our lives. Who knows what it will bring because nothing in life is definite.

Merry Christmas Angels

Maddy and Liv,

Merry Christmas Angels. Mommy and Daddy and all our friends and families wish you were here to celebrate with us. Last night was very hard for mommy because Daddy's family has a huge Christmas Eve Party with all the family and I wished you could be there to celebrate with us. Today may be hard for mommy and daddy too but we are doing our best. Last year, everyone said that this Christmas would be so different for us. It really is because it made us appreciate children and the joy of Christmas. We love you. I'm sure Santa leaves great gifts for Angels like you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Madelyn and Olivia,

I haven't written in awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't think of you everyday. Things have been crazy lately. Aunt Elaine is getting married this weekend and I had a dream about it. In my dream, Daddy was walking down the aisle at the entrance of the wedding and he was carrying you girls in the most beautiful white dresses. It made me so sad at first, but then someone made me realize that you came to me in my dream not to make me sad but to show me that you girls would be watching over us on Aunt Elaine's special day. I wish you could be here to experience it though. When Aunt Elaine was planning her wedding at the beginning of the year, we had so many plans for the two of you and what you would be wearing and how cute you would look and now her wedding day is here and you are not. I know that you will be there in spirit though, with your Aunt Grace.

Daddy and I are pregnant again. We are going to have your baby sister next year. We also just found out that your Aunt Jen is pregnant too with a baby boy! We can't be happier for your Aunt Jen and Uncle Matt. They have been waiting a long time for another baby. I'm glad that your baby sister will have a baby cousin to play with, just like you girls have each other to play with forever.

Daddy and I love you lots and miss you everyday. Be good baby girls.

Love,
Mommy

I miss you Madelyn and Olivia!!

6 months

6 months ago...

6 months ago today, my life changed forever.
6 months ago today, I was given the worst news I've ever heard.
6 months ago today, I thought I had failed as a mother.
6 months ago today, I thought I was never going to be a mother.
6 months ago today, I thought I wanted to die.
6 months ago today, my babies were dead.
6 months ago today, at this time, I was just starting to go into an induced labor to deliver our baby girls.
6 months ago tomorrow, I did what I thought was impossible.
6 months ago tomorrow, I did the hardest thing I've ever done.
6 months ago tomorrow, I met the two most beautiful girls I've ever seen.
6 months ago tomorrow, they flew to heaven.

But today, today I will never forget...
and tomorrow, I will always remember.

I love you Madelyn and Olivia.

I miss my girls more and more everyday. I came across this poem the other day and it made me think of them.

Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama please don't cry~
"Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies."
Please, try not to question God,
Don't think he is unkind
Don't think He sent me to you,
and then He changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child,
and I'm needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you
and watch the sky at night,
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost,
that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze,
from a gentle wind that blows
That's me, I'll be there,
planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
and your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mama don't your cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Author~Claudette T. Allen

I would die for that

This experience has made me realize how badly we want to be parents. I feel like something is missing in our lives. Even though we have a niece and nephews and other children in our life and that we love dearly, there is still a void. Something is missing. I am jealous of all mothers out there who can hold their babies and care for them and love them. All I want is to hold a miracle once again. This song is what I feel. I would give anything to be able to hold babies that my husband and I created.

Pictures

I've been thinking about posting pictures of the girls for awhile now but haven't gotten myself to do it. Like all new parents, I wanted to show the world my beautiful baby girls but I know that they are not the normal newborn pictures so I didn't. Some may think they are gruesome and horrid, but to us, they are beautiful butterflies that fluttered in our lives for just a short time. So don't scroll down or read any further if you are going to get offended in anyway. But, please understand that I am a mom and I wanted to share pictures of my girls like any other mom.

Acceptance

I never realized that when I don't post, people get worried and wonder what is going on with me. So here is a post that I've been thinking about for awhile.

For the past few weeks, I've accepted what has been given to me, two beautiful angels in heaven that have changed my life. I've accepted the fact that I was pregnant once and gave birth to 2 beautiful girls that I am never going to see again in this lifetime. And I'm not moving on because they have forever changed me and who I am, but I am living life to the fullest because you never know how long your life will be. For my girls it was just a few moments in the womb that I had created for them and during those brief moments, they touched not only me and my husband, but our entire close knit family and friends. Without these people, I would be lost. Through my friends, I have another network of friends that have embraced me into this club that no one wants to belong. They have walked in my shoes and on the bad days they carry me through. They check in on me to make sure I'm walking proudly in these shoes that I don't want to be wearing. They reassure me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that they survived it. So I am hopeful. Hopeful for the future and what it holds. Hopeful for a house full of children and laughter. But, I will never forget and I will never get over my two beautiful angels that have a special place in my heart. They have touched me...Have you ever been touched by an angel....or two?? I am truly blessed. I dedicate this one to you, maddy and liv.

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not
theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so
much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think
about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


Author unknown

A Letter to our Baby Girls

Madelyn and Olivia,

As tomorrow approaches, we want you to know that we love you with all of our hearts and we will never understand what happened. But what we do know is that god gave us the gift of you two for some reason, maybe to appreciate being parents in the future or to bring us closer together and show how wonderful we would be as parents. I see your Daddy play with Andrew, Dillon, Timmy and Julia and it breaks my heart because he is so good with them, but it shows me how great he would have been with the two of you. It broke my heart the other day when we were at a Mets game this year. We weren't going to go to any this year because it would have been too hard to go with two newborns to a huge stadium. But I know daddy imagined watching the Mets play on tv with the two of you in his arms and it breaks my heart that he can't have that. But we hold you tightly in our hearts forever.

At the most unusual times and the most unexpected places, my eyes sting and my throat gets tight and I know that the only thing I want is the two of you in my arms.

So, dance my loves, with your aunt grace and with each other. Be free to be whatever you want to be, but come visit your mommy and daddy every once in awhile. We will love you both forever and always, Maddy and Liv. But for now, your aunt grace and great grandmas and great grandpas are gonna hold you tight and someday, mommy and daddy will come dance with you and hold you tight forever again.

Love always,
Mommy and Daddy

Drowning

I feel like I'm drowning myself in my tears. This week has been horrible and I haven't even gotten to the weekend yet. This weekend, April 25th is the babies' due date. I want to fast forward and not have to deal with it. I want to lay in bed all weekend and do nothing. But thats unhealthy and nobody that is around me will let me do that. So I suppose I will go visit the girls and bring them some flowers. Someday in the near future, I have to breakdown and find them a memorial stone. I never thought to call it a memorial stone, it sounds much better that way.

So I'm trying with all my might to crawl out of this mud puddle I'm in and I feel like my tears are making me sink deeper and deeper. This was supposed to get easier and its getting harder for me. The other day at work, my coworker told me I should just go home because I couldn't get a hold of myself. I couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried like that since the weeks after everything happened.

I think its finally sinking in. That this weekend is the due date and they aren't gonna magically be here. That this year is going to be hard. That mothers day is next month and I wont get to celebrate with my baby girls in my arms. That this summer, our girls wont be on Ocean City on our family vacation with us. The vacation that I imagined with my girls will not be what I imagined. That Christmas isnt going to be how I imagined it would be.

I want to scream and cry and yell about how unfair my life is. Why did this happen to us?? I am so lost. Please god, help me find me.

Tribute

2 Months

I really can't believe that today its been 8 weeks since I met my daughters and said goodbye to them. I can't believe how abnormal I feel in my own skin these days. I forget things that I never usually would forget. My mind is elsewhere. My mind wanders all day, thinking about the girls and wondering what life would be like with them here. But I've learned a lot of things in the past 8 weeks, about myself, my husband, life in general, and the people surrounding me.

Life is not fair.
People sometimes don't understand how hard this is.
People sometimes don't know what to say and its better when they don't say anything at all.
There are some great people in our lives that are really supportive.
Sometimes life makes you grow up way too fast, even if you don't want to.
I am forever changed by this experience.

And even though I know how scary being pregnant again will be, I know how badly we want to be parents. I know how great a father my husband will be. I see him with his niece and nephews and it breaks my heart. Not in a bad way. But a great way. He is wonderful with them. And one day, we will have more children, not just Madelyn and Olivia, our angels in heaven.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the future.
Tomorrow is the beginning of new things.
Tomorrow is full of miracles.
Tomorrow is scary.
Tomorrow is exciting.
Tomorrow my girls will be watching over us.
Tomorrow means going on but never forgetting.

Truly Blessed

We have just suffered a loss that no one should ever ever go through. No one is ever supposed to bury their own children. Babies are not supposed to die.

Yet through this, we have learned what great family and friends we have. We can never express how thankful we are to have such wonderful people surrounding us. Dave and I are truly blessed.

Even though I may not respond to all the messages on facebook that I am getting or cards that we are still getting in the mail, know that we are truly thankful. We just don't know what to say. We are overwhelmed by the love people are showing. There are no words to ever thank people enough for what they have done and keep doing.

I don't know how long it will take us to finish grieving, but I am grateful to know that people are always there to talk to or just be there. And even though we don't know what to say when people send cards or do things for us, know that we are thankful and grateful and we can never repay the debt. We are truly blessed.

wishes and hopes

I wish the girls were here so that I could play with them outside in this beautiful weather.

I hope that dave and I could be happy again.

I wish that life wasn't so hard sometimes.

I hope that I can have more children someday.

I wish that things were different.

I hope the girls know how much we love them and miss them.

Lost

I feel lost. I feel like I am walking through life and going through the motions but I'm not really there. I am empty inside.

All I want is to be pregnant again. To feel life growing inside me. Yet, being pregnant again scares the daylights out of me. Dave and I both love kids. We've been talking about getting pregnant again, but I don't know when we will be ready, ready to grow an attachment to something that may not be permanent.

Is getting pregnant with twins again too much to ask? Dave and I conceived twins naturally, they were identical. I think they only way I will ever feel whole again is to be pregnant with twins again. I was terrified when we found out we were pregnant with twins. I was nervous about the challenges of being able to provide and care for 2 children at the same time, but then the idea grew on me. As Madelyn and Olivia grew inside me, I grew attached to them, feeling them kick and move. I grew confident that I could care for two at once. I awaited the challenge of caring for my baby girls when they were born. Now that that experience has been taken away from me, I crave to be able to take care of 2 babies at the same time. I want the challenge. I think thats the only way I can heal. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently, it is. I've been researching and reading online about back to back identical twin pregnancies and its very rare. So I may never have twins again. Will I feel this empty forever?

Heartbroken....

Not a day passes that I don't think about the girls. About how this year was going to be so different. About how this christmas and all the other holidays this year would be different. About how we would be celebrating mothers day and fathers day for the first time this year. I want so badly for things to be different. For things to be how they were 2 months ago, when I was truly happy.

I remember when dave and I went to my company christmas party and he requested our wedding song be played because it was the weekend of our 1 year anniversary. I remember how happy he was after we got done dancing because he announced to my co workers that he had just danced with his babies for the first time. That breaks my heart...

My heart is broken into a million pieces and the only thing I want are my babies to put it back together. Not just any babies. My baby girls, Madelyn and Olivia. I want to hold them and watch them grow up. I want to see them smile at me and talk to me and crawl and walk and accomplish things in life. But I can't and that is why my heart is broken.

I am so angry that I will never get to experience these things with my baby girls. I know that in the future I will have more babies, but I want my twin baby girls, Madelyn and Olivia, and that is why I am heartbroken.

Cheated

I feel like I was cheated out of something. Teased. Something was tangled in my reach and I can't picture my life without it and now I can't have it. I pictured my life in the future. Taking walks when I was on maternity leave on sunny days with my babies in their awesome stroller, going shopping for baby stuff with my mom when I was on maternity leave. I didn't picture trying to find things to do to keep me busy and to keep my mind off things during maternity leave.

Yesterday, I had a breakdown at Dave's parents house. I don't know why it happened. It just did. I was sitting there and all of a sudden I thought about how awesome it would have been if the girls were to experience the Stevens family craziness. The kids were running around and playing together and I just lost it. My girls will never get to experience this and I got sad. more selfishly, I would never get to see my daughters running around and playing. I want to hold them again so badly. I would give anything right now to hold my babies alive for just a few minutes.

On vacation, I was looking at my pictures on my camera and I had purposely saved two pictures on there after clearing them all before taking them on vacation. I wanted to bring them with me and I was also afraid that I would forget what they looked like. I had 30 years to remember my sister when she passed but I only had 1 short day to remember what my daughters looked like. Well, while I was looking at the pictures, I lost it. I missed them so much. I want so badly to have them back in my belly and feeling them kick. I keep hoping and hoping that this is all a bad dream...its just not fair...

I want to be pregnant again instantaneously. I don't want to have to work at it and it might not work. I want it to be now. Since I got cheated out of this one, do you think god can do that for me?

Twins?!?!?!

Bleeding at any stage during a pregnancy is scary. You feel as though you are about to miscarry, about to lose the life that was growing inside you, that your body was not healthy enough to take care of another human being inside of you.

I started spotting labor day weekend, I was 7 weeks pregnant. I woke up in the morning to pee and there was blood. I started to panic and told dave, but I talked myself down. I knew there was nothing that we could do if I were to start bleeding heavily, that nature needed to take its course. So I waited a couple of hours because it wasn't flowing, just spotting. But it happened again a little later. So I called the drs office. It was Saturday, so they were closed and they would page the on-call dr. Thank goodness Dave's cousin's husband happened to be the dr. on call that day. He has such a calm and soothing demeanor that he made me not worry about it. He told me that if it would make me feel better, I could go to the lab and get blood drawn. I asked him what he would do if I was his wife and this was happening. He told me he would have me rest for the weekend and call him if it happens again and have blood drawn on Tuesday. So I told him thats what I would do for right now.

On Tuesday, I went to the lab to have my hcg level drawn. Wednesday, I got a phone call that put a smile on my face. The nurse called me and told me that my hcg levels were high enough to see something on ultrasound and the dr wanted me to come in to have an ultrasound tomorrow. Tomorrow! I wasn't supposed to go to the drs to get checked out and get an ultrasound until I was 8 weeks pregnant and that was a week away, but now I get to see what was going on inside me tomorrow! I was nervous and excited and I could barely sleep that night.

Dave and I drove separate cars to the drs that day because we both had to go to work afterwords. I went in and filled out the paperwork nervously. Then we both sat down and watched their big screen flat panel tv. We laughed nervously at the babies in the magazines and then dave pointed to the screen because they were talking about twin pregnancies and he said to me, maybe we're having twins! I said no way, what are you smoking?? There's no way I was carrying twins...

I never realized that I never told dave that this first ultrasound was an internal ultrasound. So when we walked in and the ultrasound tech told me to take off my pants in the bathroom and come out with a sheet wrapped around me, he looked at her and looked at me with the most confused look on his face. I laughed and I told him it was ok, that it was just an internal ultrasound. So when the tech was looking, she turned the screen away from me probably because she wanted to make sure there was something there to see because of the bleeding. dave and i looked at each other nervously. Then she turned the screen to me and pointed and said there is a heartbeat here and pointed to another spot on the screen and said there is another one here and then turned the screen away and said I have to see if there are anymore. I looked at dave and he was jumping up and down saying I told you! I knew it! Thoughts of risks of twin pregnancies raced through my head, wait, did she say she was looking for more heartbeats???

After the ultrasound, the tech told us that everything was fine and to sit for a few mins so that she could get a dr to talk to us about the ultrasound. I sat there in shock. Twins? How did this happen? Did I release two eggs or did the eggs split? All the risks of a twin pregnancy went through my head again: increased risk for Pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes, twin to twin transfusion, and not to mention how huge I was gonna get. What were we going to do?

Dr. Namkoong, dave's cousin's husband said he would take a few mins to talk to us. He explained to dave and I that our babies were identical. that it looked like they shared a placenta and that they each have their own gestational sac but share a chorionic sac. They were monochorionic diamniotic. He looked at me because I probably still had a look of shock on my face that was followed by worry. He asked me what was the matter. I told him that I was now a high risk pregnancy and I was worried about twin to twin transfusion. Dave said wait wait wait, what does that mean? Peter explained that twin to twin transfusion was like when two people are living in a condo: they each have their own living spaces, but they share a heating system. sometimes one person gets too much heat and the other side doesn't get enough. The placenta is the twins heating system but they each have their own living spaces. So we went on our way full of joy (and shock) of carrying not one baby but two babies.

Are you pregnant?

3 weeks was a very long time to wait for my mother and sister to get back from their trip. I wanted to tell them every time I talked to them on the phone and every time I read an email from my sister I cried. I also remember being so exhausted. My coworkers would make fun of me for falling asleep at 8 pm.

I remember the day we went to pick my family up from the airport very clearly because it didn't go as planned. I wanted to wait until we had gotten home from our 3 hour drive from LaGuardia Airport and make the big announcement to my family and then drive to Dave's parents house and give them the big news.

We had borrowed dave's parents car to pick up my family so we only had to take one vehicle. We got to dave's parents house and I immediately ran to the bathroom because my morning sickness taking over. I heard dave's father walk in the door and ask dave where i was. He said she doesn't feel so good, she's in the bathroom. When I walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen he looked at me and said what's the matter? are you pregnant? I couldn't lie to him. So I said yes and the smile that took over his face, overwhelmed me. He was ecstatic. He said that the only time his wife patty had morning sickness was when she was pregnant with the twins, dave's older brothers. Twins? Impossible.

As we were approaching the airport, we were late and I could see their faces. They were impatient after a 24 hour flight and their faces showed just that. Who could blame them? They just wanted to be home and we still had a 3 hour drive home. We pulled up to sidewalk to get their luggage and get people in the car and I felt the wave of nausea come over me. I opened the car door and threw up right in front of my mother. Nice. This was how I was gonna tell my mother and sister I was pregnant, by throwing up on them. So I told them, I just couldn't hide it. My sister's response in her typical fashion was are you sure? how do you know? My mother's response was not the excitement that I had hoped for, but my mother is never one to show much emotion. So now our family and close friends knew and I was about 6 weeks pregnant.

Creating life out of love and devotion

I will never forget the day we found out we were pregnant. Its a moment that I shared with my husband and I remember the joy and love we felt that day. The idea that I was carrying life inside me filled me with overwhelming thoughts of joy and love. I always wanted to be a mother, a nurturing soul at heart, I grew up taking care of others before taking care of myself. This is our story of love and loss.

Dave and I had been thinking about trying to conceive for awhile but we had wanted to wait until I had gotten my bachelor's degree. So April of 2009, we stopped birth control, but vowed to not aggressively try to conceive. We didn't want to become the over aggressive couple that became so obsessed with becoming pregnant that we would lose sight about what it was about: Creating a life out of love and devotion.

Months passed and we kind of forgot that we were "trying to not try" to get pregnant. One day, my sister asked me if we were pregnant because she had had a dream that we were. I laughed at her and told her no. It was the weekend before she was leaving for a trip to China, Hong Kong, and Japan with my parents for 3 weeks. During these 3 weeks, my life would drastically change.

I was overemotional when my family left for their trip. My coworkers asked me about my family and their vacation and I burst into tears because I missed my sister and mother so much. I didn't realize I was pregnant at the time and brushed it off as being PMS.

One day, a friend of mine asked me when I was supposed to get my period and I realized that I was late. It never even crossed my mind that my period was late. I hadn't even thought about my period because I was so tired and I was thinking about my family on the other side of the world and missing them.

So the next morning at 3 AM, I woke up because I had to pee. So I took the test. This was the longest 2 mins of my life. The house was silent except for the heavy breathing of my husband Dave and our dog Finn in the bedroom. I got back into bed because I didn't want to stare at the test because it would probably be negative. So after about 3 mins, I went back into the bathroom to look for the one word that had wanted to see but thought wasn't going to be there. But as I walked closer to the counter I saw the magic word: PREGNANT.

I wanted to jump for joy but I didn't want to wake Dave because he had to work at in just a few short hours. But I was so overjoyed that I woke him up by jumping in the bed. I scared him half to death. He immediately grabbed his glasses to see the test. He was looking for lines like the old fashioned non digital pregnancy tests. He was half asleep, not comprehending that it was a digital pregnancy test.

We hugged and kissed and layed there staring at each other for the next few hours, unable to sleep from the excitement of our news. We both wanted to call everyone and tell everyone right then and there, but from experience as a Labor and Delivery nurse, I knew we would have to keep our lips sealed for awhile. We vowed to keep our secret, a secret until our first appointment.

I wanted to tell my sister and mother first, but I couldn't tell them over email or phone, I wanted to tell them in person, but they wouldn't be back for 2 more weeks. So I couldn't keep my mouth shut and I told my 2 best friends, Kelli and Kristin. I called Kelli first and she didn't answer her phone, I was so excited that I called her husbands phone too. I knew she would know something was up after that. We were both super excited because she had just had her first perfect little baby girl and our children would be close in age and could grow up together. Then I called Kristin. I work with Kristin but she was in a different office than I was that day. She screamed! She was so excited for us. Later that day I had texted her to tell her that I didn't know if I was crazy or not but I might be having morning sickness and she responded that maybe I was crazy OR I was gonna have twins! I remember being so surprised that she thought I was having twins. Twins? that was impossible!!